The Box Thief

Kels made me promise I would specify that it was me writing when I wrote on the blog. Apparently some people were surprised to hear about Kels’ secret dream to become a sick and totally legit DJ.

I spent the morning tangled up in a web of espionage and intrigue. I was dumpster diving for cardboard boxes. We move out next Wednesday so the heat was on to find some legit boxes and start packing. Amidst my thievery of several boxes from various local stores, I developed and honed four attributes of a master box thief.

A keen eye. A great box thief must have a good eye for appropriate boxes, carefully avoiding those boxes containing bird feed that spills all over you and attracts birds from all over Utah County (general rule of thumb—avoid pet stores altogether).

No shame. It takes a very secure and shameless person to literally dive into a giant dumpster behind Best Buy, even if it was actually by accident that you fell in.

Good get-away car. A get-away car is crucial to executing the perfect box heist. Note, your car should be able to hold more than five or six folded up boxes and still allow you to use your rear-view mirror. (Another general rule of thumb—avoid driving Ford Focus hatchbacks).

Luck. A true box thief relies on luck to stumble upon great thieving opportunities. Ex., TJ Maxx five minutes after they just threw away next week’s new shipments’ boxes. Jackpot.


  1. just so you know.
    i'm just cracking right up right now.

  2. We got most of our boxes from the liquor store. They put them out on certain days of the week (I can't remember). They aren't huge, but they are free. The liquor store is on Freedom Blvd after center street (maybe like 1st south?)

  3. oh I forgot to say that they put them out by the dumpster, and you are free to take as many as you want.

  4. Dearest Jordan, I know this is a strange and perhaps novel idea, but have you ever considered ASKING for the boxes? It requires much less dumpster diving that way, and you don't have to fear a life in state prison if caught ;)