It's been a while since we have had a post from The Daddy Diaries on here,
and I think you will get a kick out of this one.
(Especially any of you who have gone through pregnancy...husbands or wives!!)
I love my husband.
I am biased, but I think he is pretty hilarious.
Let me preface this post with a profession of profound respect for pregnant women. What you do in order to bring a baby into the world is something that men will never fully understand nor appreciate.
And we sure as heck thank the gender gods every night that we don't have to have children.
That being said, I think that a frank two-way dialogue on the topic of pregnancy hormones needs to take place between pregnant women and their husbands. Because asking a man to understand hormones is like asking a woman to appreciate Dumb and Dumber. It's borderline impossible.
So why has there been no real progress in man's understanding of women's hormones? The nation's most famously honest president, Abraham Lincoln, put it this way:
"The mere mention of hormones earns a man a night in the dog house, my friend. Only a fool would enter those dangerous waters."
Even the nation's fiercest interrogator, and arguably biggest bad-a, Jack Bauer, feared a discussion on hormones:
"I'd rather infiltrate a heavily-guarded terrorist base with a squirt gun than bring up the topic of hormones with a woman."
This fear of discussion could stem from the fact that 99% of women deny the existence of hormones, and more specifically the immediate and apparent effect that these hormones have on women.
These fears are compounded exponentially for men when their wives become pregnant. Now we’re no longer just dealing with ‘period’-ic (get it?) hormones, those hormones now last weeks at a time and are attached to a gag-reflex more trigger-happy than a Taken sequel.
Men are also deprived of eggs, meat, and any other source of protein because those food products are now one of ten thousand things that make our wives vomit. And now even our deodorant makes our wives nauseous, and our breath is now comparable to a trash can no matter how recently we just brushed our teeth.
Before the onset of pregnancy hormones, I would wager that most men feel like Josh Duhamel or maybe a poor-man’s Bradley Cooper around their wives. After the onset of the pregnancy hormones, men are subsequently relegated to feeling like Jonah Hil, pre-weight loss.
And on top of that, we’re just hungry. There have been times when I would have punted a dog off a bridge to have some hamburger with my pasta, or chicken in my burrito.
I do not say this to complain or try to make women feel guilty. I only say this because men have feelings too.
There. I said it.
We may scratch our butts, adjust our crotch, and grunt about football a lot, but deep down inside, men have feelings too. Just don’t acknowledge it or bring it up with us.
Think of guys’ feelings like hormones. They may or may not exist, but we don't talk about them. And if they’re brought up we’ll deny any existence of such feelings.
Now, where did my chainsaw go?